Dreams

As I sit and watch Micah lead the young adults as the pastor of "Lifeline," I am so impressed and proud of the man he's become.  My mind goes back to when he was a little boy and how many wooden spoons I broke across his tushy.  He was the true definition of a strong-willed child.  His strong will proved to be an asset as an adult and now he is doing exactly what he wants in the place he wants.  What an incredible opportunity he's experiencing, coming out to California and pursuing his dream.

I never remember having a "dream" or goals like my children or some of the other kids I grew up with.  My only goal was to laugh and always have fun.  I just didn't think anything else was important, much less my future.  That's why I was stuck being a secretary all of my working days - that was all I knew how to do.  Somewhere along the way, I took typing classes which was a good thing - at least I had that.  I typed so much in my life that my fingers are now arthritic.  But it allowed me to support and raise my family, so I really shouldn't complain about it.  I'll complain anyway though, because that's what we Jews do - complain.  Even if just a little.  It's part of our heritage.

My night dreams usually have no meaning whatsoever and are bizarre in nature.  Last night, I dreamt of an old childhood friend.  I went to visit her at her old house and during the dream, the location changed as well as my friend.  She turned into a different friend and turned out to be very troubled mentally and I was trying to figure out how to leave her house without getting her upset.  The next thing I know, I was showing my mother my underarms and telling her I didn't think that would go away after I lose weight.  My mom shook her head sadly and said, "Probably not."  You'd think that with all the typing that I did, my underarms would be nice and firm, but no - they're big and flabby.  My fingers aren't even thin!  I tell you, life is just not fair.  My mom used to tell my kids that that area of her body was called her "grandma fat."  Donovan thinks I just have really big muscles.  God bless him.

Besides the crazy dreams I have, I am a very restless sleeper.  Sometimes I am turned sideways when I wake up.  The other night I actually fell off the bed, with the comforter wrapped around me like a cocoon, which I was thankful for as it partially cushioned my 2-foot plummet to the floor.  I heard myself say, "Aaahhhh," as I fell on my side.  It was very early in the morning and thank God my phone was also on the floor.  I picked it up and called Micah who was in the other room.  I had woken him up and when he came in my room he looked puzzled as to why I would be on the floor.  He helped me up and I actually went back to sleep, this time in the middle of the bed.  My hip is sore from the ordeal, but I didn't break anything.  Just a little pride.

And so sometimes my nights are more eventful than my days.  Sometimes in the morning, I feel as if I just ran a marathon, I'm so tired.  And perhaps I did.  Of course it was all in my dream, because unfortunately I awake with the same out of shape and broken body that I went to bed the night before with.  But thank God for dreaming and swimming.  In both, I can run for miles and move my body in ways that in reality are impossible.

Now if I can only stay on the bed...

Moving On

I've decided that you never really get over the death of someone you love; you just learn to adapt.  The pain and loss is always there, but it's not healthy or realistic to mourn forever, so you tell yourself that you must move on, because life doesn't stop for our sorrows.

So I decided to move on literally - not because of the death of my father, but because I was finished with taking care of my parents, as my mom moved into assisted living.  I call her almost every day and she is quickly forgetting things.  She has dementia, and it appears to be getting worse.  Dementia/Alzheimer's is a horrible disease.  The person who has the disease, as it progresses, apparently doesn't know any better, so for that I am grateful.  It's painful for the rest of us to have to witness the uncanny progression and hope that she will not forget who we are, as happened with my grandmother and great-grandmother.  I remember well trying to talk to my grandmother and all she could do was smile back at me, holding her Raggedy Ann doll.  I always left there crying.  I don't know how my mom managed to go there several times a week, greeting and talking with her, all the while, not knowing she was her daughter.

I've been visiting Micah and Jasmin for the past several weeks, before I head home for Wisconsin.  I've been having a wonderful time, relaxing, playing with my grand dog, Brody, and enjoying their company.  Frankly, I love California, and I just may move out here within the next few years.  Who knows what the future will bring, but this is a new chapter and verse in my life.  I can do and go just about anywhere I want, and that's a great feeling.  I wish I could afford a motorhome, because I would travel throughout the United States, making big circles and stopping in and seeing my children and grandchildren along the way.  That was always my dream when I was working, that when I retired, I would get a motorhome and travel the country.  In fact, Micah told me he would buy me one when he was a little boy, and I keep reminding him about that now...

It's hard to believe I just turned 58.  I remember my mother being this age and thinking she was really old.  Wow.  That's me now.  I don't feel so much old, as I do primed, like a well-oiled gear.  Very well oiled.  You may not hear the cracks and snaps, but I sure feel them as I stand up, sit down and try to walk.  The oil is all the medication I take and hopefully after my surgery and down the road a bit, I will be able to discard most, if not all of it.  I'm very much looking forward to this surgery with the hope it changes my physical life. I just want to be a well-running gear, without all the oil.

So this begins my next journey in life.  I want to experience the mundane and simple, as well as the cataclysmic.  I want to notice and learn from everyday life that can get lost when you're working a full time job and coming home to sleep.  I want to interact with my children and grandchildren and learn who they are.  I want to take more classes in art.  I want to hang out with my friends and laugh and talk and laugh some more.  I want to find a ministry that I can contribute to and hopefully help others.  I want to live life to the fullest and follow God's will no matter where He leads me.

Because at the end of the day, that's all that really matters anyway.