She's fallen 4 times in 5 days and my brothers and I have decided that she needs assisted care and not independent living now. She is very depressed, confused and scared. I took her to the doctor yesterday and they are adjusting her medication and ordered a cat scan of her brain, as she hit her head a couple of times when she fell. This is a picture of her in her chair, not a seemingly happy, carefree person any longer. I asked her why she didn't smile and she said she didn't know I was taking her picture, although I told her twice what I was doing:
After the doctor, we went to Panera Bread to eat - I thought a change of scenery would be nice - but it was exhausting getting her in and out of the car. I have to push her in her walker because she can barely walk. She goes so slow that she almost looks like she's going backward. I'm not exaggerating. Walkers aren't meant for you to sit on while someone pushes you - it was very awkward to push and steer a thing like that and it's been this way all week.
The other day, we went to my father's grave at the Sarasota National Cemetery, and finding his tombstone was a fiasco. We finally did - in the rain - with some help from one of the workers. Here are a couple photos from that:
After the cemetery, we went to the medical supply store and bought a scooter for her so she doesn't have to try and walk. After all week of showing her how to use it, she still doesn't fully understand. I'm hoping an assistant can load her off and on it and all she has to do is pull the lever. She drove it into the Chinese restaurant next to the store, ramming into a table and chairs, while I'm shouting, "Let go of the handle!" A little man came running around the counter and helped me put the furniture back in place. When we finally got back to her room that day, I was exhausted. I took a picture of her on her new scooter - this time she smiled:
Yesterday, we both sat on her small little (hard as a rock) couch, as I showed her pictures and videos on my phone. She fell asleep on my shoulder, talking to herself about what she was seeing in the room that wasn't there. She asked me what I was doing in the basement (the house I was raised in had a basement). I said, "I'm not in the basement, mom," and she quickly gathered her thoughts together and realized where she was. She was hallucinating and falling asleep at the same time. It breaks my heart to see her like this. It was all I could do to keep from crying.
Before I left, I took a picture of us together. When she looked at the photo, she didn't realize the person in it was her. Here it is:
My trip ends today, and I fly out of Tampa in a few hours. I hate leaving her like this, but I really have no choice. At least for now, she's not in a nursing home.
Watching your loved ones get old, feeble and closer to death, is so incredibly difficult. All you can think of is the past when we were all so young and healthy and strong and of course, we're no longer like that. Now it slams us right in the face how life and age has changed us.
My mom was always quite independent when she was raising us. And because of that, she's having a lot of difficulty accepting the inevitable. I'm having difficulty accepting it as well. I don't want the woman who raised me to leave, just as I didn't want my father to leave. But that's what this circle of life is all about, I guess. It's something I'll never get used to, but seeing I have no choice, I have to deal with it.
And so with a heavy heart, (but anxious to see my kids, grandkids and Bobby), I'm gone as quickly as I arrived. Life goes on and things will keep changing as we age. It's just the way it is.
If you still have one or both of your parents, hug them and tell them you love them as often as you can. I only wish I had this concept down when I was younger. I was too busy concerned about myself and my children and I've lost many years where things could have been different...
Thank you for sharing this personal part of your life as you experience these changes in your mother's life.
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