Today I joined hundreds of others at church for the 100th birthday celebration of Irv Mandley. The fellowship hall was packed with family and friends from around the country. It was really incredible to see so many who love and honor this true man of God. My personal history with Bro. and Sis. Mandley goes back 33 years ago, when I first came into the church.
Sis. Mandley was the first person to come and visit me in the hospital after giving birth to Leah. She became my "mother in the Lord," and saw me through some of the most difficult times in my life. She and Bro. Mandley would come to my apartment on Simpson Street and help clean or do whatever was needed to be done before Leah was born. She even got down on her hands and knees one day to wash the kitchen floor - I never will forget that. They drove me to appointments or wherever I needed to go and would regularly invite my children and I over for meals. When I had to travel to Minnesota to get married, she was one of just a few who never gave up on me. She gave me Sis. Luke's corsage to wear and baked a cake for the wedding. They have stood by, defended and scolded me when I needed it. They really have been my "parents" in Madison all these years.
Bro. Mandley was always right beside her, saying very little, but supporting her and all of her endeavors. He was always a quiet, gentle man and I wasn't used to that, as my dad was the opposite. I eventually understood that he was simply shy. I kissed the top of his fuzzy head today and felt a surge of love for him. I had never done that before, and today it just felt right.
The two of them together taught me more about what it is to be a Christian than anyone else. They helped, fed, clothed, counseled, taught and ministered to so many people that it would be impossible to number. And yet very rarely did they ever receive public recognition for how they lived - but I'm sure they would insist that it should be that way anyhow. In my eyes, these people are the unsung heroes to my family and so many countless others.
So today, I want to "give honor to whom honor is due," in my very small way through this blog. I am eternally grateful for the life lessons of love they have imparted to my children and I. I am so thankful that God saw fit to pair us up as a "family" so many years ago.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Surgery
It's hard to believe that tomorrow I will be having gastric bypass surgery. A lot of things have been running through my mind during this two week liquid diet. Will it be really painful afterward? Will I actually wake up from the anesthesia? How will I cope from that moment on? And I'm sure everyone who goes through this has the same questions, excitement and fears. I am so looking forward to better health and doing all the things I'm unable to do now with my children and grandchildren. That, in itself, is all the motivation I need.
I was watching a show on TV last night about a 600 pound woman who couldn't do anything for herself - she was bedridden. She had a husband and a young son, and was traveling to a different state to have bariatric surgery, as that was the only doctor she could find who would operate on a person her size. It was really interesting but sad as I watched her not follow the program the doctor ordered and she only lost about 30 pounds. A woman her size should have lost over 300 pounds in the year they followed her, but she continually had her husband bringing her junk food to the hospital. She whined and cried that it was too hard for her and that their scales must have been wrong. She acted like a "victim" and it honestly was annoying. What was really disturbing was the fact that she had a little boy, and that alone should have given her the incentive to do it for him. I thought, "How selfish she is that all she could think about was herself and not her family." Overeating is an addiction - I know that better than anyone - but it's also one that can be overcome with the right tools and desire. She will most probably not live to see her son grow up. I've watched many of these shows and it occurred to me none of these people were around my age - they die young, sadly leaving children, family and friends behind.
I mean, we all eventually die of something, but why not live life to the fullest while we can? Time has gotten a lot shorter, the older I get. It seems like I was just a young mom yesterday. And if something is holding me back from living a full life, such as an addiction or something harmful to myself or others, it doesn't make sense to hold onto it. I'm really only hurting myself. But we do - we hold onto things that are not good for us all the time. It's really uncanny. I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental here at all - I've been overweight all my life, and I know just how difficult it is to stop an addiction. It's taken this long for me to finally try to get back on track. I think we actually appreciate life much more as we age, because we realize that we're closer to the end than the beginning. That's true for me, anyway.
So onward and upward, as they say. This liquid diet hasn't been as difficult as I imagined, but I am looking forward to some baby food soon. Or maybe not - the thought of it is kind of disgusting. It will be several weeks before I can graduate to soft food. In the meantime, everything will have to be pureed. Yuck. But this too shall pass. We shall see. I hope and pray I can be successful through it all. And if I don't make it through surgery, hey! I'll have a perfect body where I'm going so it will be all good!
I was watching a show on TV last night about a 600 pound woman who couldn't do anything for herself - she was bedridden. She had a husband and a young son, and was traveling to a different state to have bariatric surgery, as that was the only doctor she could find who would operate on a person her size. It was really interesting but sad as I watched her not follow the program the doctor ordered and she only lost about 30 pounds. A woman her size should have lost over 300 pounds in the year they followed her, but she continually had her husband bringing her junk food to the hospital. She whined and cried that it was too hard for her and that their scales must have been wrong. She acted like a "victim" and it honestly was annoying. What was really disturbing was the fact that she had a little boy, and that alone should have given her the incentive to do it for him. I thought, "How selfish she is that all she could think about was herself and not her family." Overeating is an addiction - I know that better than anyone - but it's also one that can be overcome with the right tools and desire. She will most probably not live to see her son grow up. I've watched many of these shows and it occurred to me none of these people were around my age - they die young, sadly leaving children, family and friends behind.
I mean, we all eventually die of something, but why not live life to the fullest while we can? Time has gotten a lot shorter, the older I get. It seems like I was just a young mom yesterday. And if something is holding me back from living a full life, such as an addiction or something harmful to myself or others, it doesn't make sense to hold onto it. I'm really only hurting myself. But we do - we hold onto things that are not good for us all the time. It's really uncanny. I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental here at all - I've been overweight all my life, and I know just how difficult it is to stop an addiction. It's taken this long for me to finally try to get back on track. I think we actually appreciate life much more as we age, because we realize that we're closer to the end than the beginning. That's true for me, anyway.
So onward and upward, as they say. This liquid diet hasn't been as difficult as I imagined, but I am looking forward to some baby food soon. Or maybe not - the thought of it is kind of disgusting. It will be several weeks before I can graduate to soft food. In the meantime, everything will have to be pureed. Yuck. But this too shall pass. We shall see. I hope and pray I can be successful through it all. And if I don't make it through surgery, hey! I'll have a perfect body where I'm going so it will be all good!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Finally!
I've waited more than 10 years for what is finally coming to reality now. In early December, I began the long process of preparing for bariatric surgery, namely Gastric Bypass, at the University of Wisconsin Hospital. I've dieted what seems like my whole life and I've had many successes, but definitely more failures. My personal feeling is that obesity is an addiction, just as drugs and alcohol are for many. That may not be a popular opinion, but after all these years, it certainly defines my life of a yoyo'ing weight and the inability to lose the weight and keep it off. This surgery will give me the tool with which I can do both. The surgeon creates a stomach that is about the size of an egg, bypassing the "real" stomach. This allows the new stomach to hold very little food which in turn helps you lose weight.
I began this process by meeting with the surgeon, nutritionist, psychologist and taking mandatory classes that explain everything from before the surgery, until months following. I've had to have an endoscopy, blood tests, stress tests and an ultrasound of my heart. I've had to meet with a cardiologist to determine that my heart looks good. Then I had to meet with the psychologist and nutritionist again to verify that I was doing what I was supposed to do. I quit drinking pop (diet), coffee (the hardest), drinking from a straw, eating sweets and spreading my toast with margarine or butter. As a result of just doing those things and without really trying, I lost 13 pounds. Amazing.
So I finally spoke with the lady who schedules the surgeries and she scheduled mine for March 21. I would have liked it sooner, but this was the soonest I could get in, and I still have several appointments that I need to go to. I have to see the surgeon again, see the physician's assistant to talk about my medications and supplements (which I have to take for the rest of my life), see the nutritionist to talk about the fast, get more blood tests, take another class and meet with the anesthesiologist.
I begin the two week (yes, 14 days) fast on March 7, and this should be interesting. I will only be able to drink protein shakes (that do NOT taste like a "shake"), water, sugar-free drinks, sugar-free jello and broth. Well, broth is gross so I won't be drinking/eating that, so I will have to stock up on the jello. I already bought the protein shakes that should last me 2 weeks. The purpose of the fast is to shrink my liver, which is what everyone has to do that has this surgery - at least at the UW.
I'm ready - more than ready - to start all of this. Even the fast, though I know that will be really difficult. I've waited so long for this and it's finally going to happen. I'm so excited and a little bit nervous - not about the surgery, but how I will manage after the surgery. It's actually a life-changing process and even though I'm thoroughly ready for the change, it still holds some unknowns. But the unknown isn't necessarily negative. It's all in how one perceives it.
And I choose to look forward to the day I can walk a dog and play with my grandchildren without the aid of a cane, walking through a store without using a scooter and physically feeling much, much better. Life is too short, and at 58, it's getting a lot shorter. I'd say it's about time I get myself on a healthy track and I thank God that I have the opportunity to do this now.
I began this process by meeting with the surgeon, nutritionist, psychologist and taking mandatory classes that explain everything from before the surgery, until months following. I've had to have an endoscopy, blood tests, stress tests and an ultrasound of my heart. I've had to meet with a cardiologist to determine that my heart looks good. Then I had to meet with the psychologist and nutritionist again to verify that I was doing what I was supposed to do. I quit drinking pop (diet), coffee (the hardest), drinking from a straw, eating sweets and spreading my toast with margarine or butter. As a result of just doing those things and without really trying, I lost 13 pounds. Amazing.
So I finally spoke with the lady who schedules the surgeries and she scheduled mine for March 21. I would have liked it sooner, but this was the soonest I could get in, and I still have several appointments that I need to go to. I have to see the surgeon again, see the physician's assistant to talk about my medications and supplements (which I have to take for the rest of my life), see the nutritionist to talk about the fast, get more blood tests, take another class and meet with the anesthesiologist.
I begin the two week (yes, 14 days) fast on March 7, and this should be interesting. I will only be able to drink protein shakes (that do NOT taste like a "shake"), water, sugar-free drinks, sugar-free jello and broth. Well, broth is gross so I won't be drinking/eating that, so I will have to stock up on the jello. I already bought the protein shakes that should last me 2 weeks. The purpose of the fast is to shrink my liver, which is what everyone has to do that has this surgery - at least at the UW.
I'm ready - more than ready - to start all of this. Even the fast, though I know that will be really difficult. I've waited so long for this and it's finally going to happen. I'm so excited and a little bit nervous - not about the surgery, but how I will manage after the surgery. It's actually a life-changing process and even though I'm thoroughly ready for the change, it still holds some unknowns. But the unknown isn't necessarily negative. It's all in how one perceives it.
And I choose to look forward to the day I can walk a dog and play with my grandchildren without the aid of a cane, walking through a store without using a scooter and physically feeling much, much better. Life is too short, and at 58, it's getting a lot shorter. I'd say it's about time I get myself on a healthy track and I thank God that I have the opportunity to do this now.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Seventy Times Seven
Forgiveness is more powerful than we can only imagine -- but it's a necessity if we ever want to live healthy, happy lives. I know a little bit about it and I thought today would be a good day to share.
I've had to apologize many times these past few months, for saying or doing things that offend other people. My bluntness or saying things off the top of my head without "thinking before I speak," has caused most of this to come about. I had an uncle once tell me a long time ago, "Sharon, always think carefully before you speak," and I heard it at the time, but didn't really take heed. He had Parkinson's disease and spoke very slowly; it was almost painful waiting for him to complete a sentence. Maybe it was the disease, or maybe he was just thinking about what he was going to say - I don't know. But now, so many years later, I understand what he meant. And I still haven't perfected the practice. My mouth usually kicks into gear faster than my brain, and before I know it, I've said what was on my mind before I had the opportunity to think about it first.
We will all be offended by one thing or another our entire lives. That's just life and our human nature. But God Himself put in place a remedy for hurt and offenses that heals our hearts and minds, yet we so often ignore the remedy and continue to hold onto the hurt or offense, that will eventually turn into bitterness and hatred. The remedy is simply forgiveness.
Forgiving someone who has wronged you, heals you. It delivers you from holding onto "baggage" that not only wears you down, but can cause great harm emotionally and spiritually. It does not mean that the other person or persons who hurt you were right or justified - but what it does mean is that you have released them from that bondage of offense that was caused, thus breaking free yourself. You are left with a clean and pure mind and heart, and a lot of peace. It's a cause and effect that is beyond my comprehension, but I know it works because I've had to forgive many, many times in my life.
There was a time for several years that I literally hated a person. I probably could have killed that person if I had the opportunity, I was so filled with hate. I knew I was wrong, but I just couldn't bring myself to forgive the person after all I went through. The Bible says if we don't forgive others, then it is impossible for God to forgive us. Jesus said we are to forgive others seventy times seven times in one day. I heard that preached and read it in the Bible for myself, and still hatred and bitterness filled my heart and mind toward this person and I was in spiritual and emotional bondage. My life was not full of joy or peace and I struggled every day with how I felt. I was simply miserable and felt trapped in a life that I didn't want to live.
I don't remember the day, month or even year that I was delivered from this bondage - but I was, and I had never felt so free. It wasn't suddenly, because I had prayed for years that God would help me forgive this person. But it was one day that I simply realized that I had no more bitterness and hatred in my heart toward them and I felt the kind of peace that only God can give. I had finally forgiven the person who had wronged me so much and for so long, and it was as if a ton of weights were taken off my back and I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually free. It took me several years to finally get to this point, but it didn't need to be that way. Forgiveness is a remedy available to all of us, at all times, and I could have been delivered years before, if I had only allowed myself to be. Carrying bitterness and unforgiveness around only hurts ourselves more - even more than the original offense. Forgiving those people who hurt us, heals ourselves completely, and frees us to live our lives the way we were meant to live them.
How do we take advantage of God's remedy? By understanding and accepting that we as human beings are all fallible and "none perfect but the Father." By forgiving others so that we ourselves may be forgiven. And by choosing our lives to be filled with love, peace and joy.
Easier said than done? Yes, I can tell you from experience that it is. Worth the effort? It is by far worth the effort to be at peace with one's self, God and humankind.
I've had to apologize many times these past few months, for saying or doing things that offend other people. My bluntness or saying things off the top of my head without "thinking before I speak," has caused most of this to come about. I had an uncle once tell me a long time ago, "Sharon, always think carefully before you speak," and I heard it at the time, but didn't really take heed. He had Parkinson's disease and spoke very slowly; it was almost painful waiting for him to complete a sentence. Maybe it was the disease, or maybe he was just thinking about what he was going to say - I don't know. But now, so many years later, I understand what he meant. And I still haven't perfected the practice. My mouth usually kicks into gear faster than my brain, and before I know it, I've said what was on my mind before I had the opportunity to think about it first.
We will all be offended by one thing or another our entire lives. That's just life and our human nature. But God Himself put in place a remedy for hurt and offenses that heals our hearts and minds, yet we so often ignore the remedy and continue to hold onto the hurt or offense, that will eventually turn into bitterness and hatred. The remedy is simply forgiveness.
Forgiving someone who has wronged you, heals you. It delivers you from holding onto "baggage" that not only wears you down, but can cause great harm emotionally and spiritually. It does not mean that the other person or persons who hurt you were right or justified - but what it does mean is that you have released them from that bondage of offense that was caused, thus breaking free yourself. You are left with a clean and pure mind and heart, and a lot of peace. It's a cause and effect that is beyond my comprehension, but I know it works because I've had to forgive many, many times in my life.
There was a time for several years that I literally hated a person. I probably could have killed that person if I had the opportunity, I was so filled with hate. I knew I was wrong, but I just couldn't bring myself to forgive the person after all I went through. The Bible says if we don't forgive others, then it is impossible for God to forgive us. Jesus said we are to forgive others seventy times seven times in one day. I heard that preached and read it in the Bible for myself, and still hatred and bitterness filled my heart and mind toward this person and I was in spiritual and emotional bondage. My life was not full of joy or peace and I struggled every day with how I felt. I was simply miserable and felt trapped in a life that I didn't want to live.
I don't remember the day, month or even year that I was delivered from this bondage - but I was, and I had never felt so free. It wasn't suddenly, because I had prayed for years that God would help me forgive this person. But it was one day that I simply realized that I had no more bitterness and hatred in my heart toward them and I felt the kind of peace that only God can give. I had finally forgiven the person who had wronged me so much and for so long, and it was as if a ton of weights were taken off my back and I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually free. It took me several years to finally get to this point, but it didn't need to be that way. Forgiveness is a remedy available to all of us, at all times, and I could have been delivered years before, if I had only allowed myself to be. Carrying bitterness and unforgiveness around only hurts ourselves more - even more than the original offense. Forgiving those people who hurt us, heals ourselves completely, and frees us to live our lives the way we were meant to live them.
How do we take advantage of God's remedy? By understanding and accepting that we as human beings are all fallible and "none perfect but the Father." By forgiving others so that we ourselves may be forgiven. And by choosing our lives to be filled with love, peace and joy.
Easier said than done? Yes, I can tell you from experience that it is. Worth the effort? It is by far worth the effort to be at peace with one's self, God and humankind.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The Holidays
So much has been written on the holidays, I am a bit hesitant to add my experiences to the pile. But since Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Christmas is less than a month away, I'm already feeling the stress, and so to alleviate some of that, I will write. You should try it sometime, if you never have. It's a great stress-reliever. It also creates an account of some of the more interesting or notable events of one's life.
So, I have all the ingredients to what I am making and bringing to Jason's house tomorrow, all piled up on my miniature counter. There is literally NOWHERE to cook. I am sitting and looking at it, as if it will jump up and begin to create itself. I really don't feel like baking or making deviled eggs. My assignment was to make a million deviled eggs, two desserts and drinks. And I just don't feel like it. I would rather go and take a nap, but it's so cold in here, I think I see my breath. I'm waiting to see how cold it can get in here before I am forced to turn my furnace on. Now that I am on a fixed budget, I am closely watching every penny. Well, not every penny -- but those that matter. You know what I mean.
There is church tonight, so I must take a nap, or my eyes get real heavy in the evening and since I sit on the front row, I certainly don't want to accidentally fall asleep. Micah did that once and actually started snoring, which woke him up. Him and his friends thought it was pretty funny, but I did not. I gave him the glare which said, "You better sit up and straighten out, or I'm gonna smack you into next week." He, of course, was never smacked into next week, but he did feel the brunt of many wooden spoons and my hand on his behind more times than I care to remember.
Anyway, I will eventually get this baking and cooking done and Leah, Parris and the kids and I will all go to Jason's house for Thanksgiving. We will have enough food to feed a small country - why, I do not know. Because it's Thanksgiving. And because my mother used to make us eat every morsel of food on our plates, because there were people starving in Russia, I still feel compelled to do this. We will talk and argue and watch football and fall asleep after eating all that food, and when we wake up, we'll be ready to eat again. The one day a year that it's been ruled okay to be gluttonous.
What bothers me is all those people who have no where to go on holidays. Either by choice or by their lot in life, they are alone. There are plenty of churches and food pantries that give away free meals and food for the holidays, but food can't replace loneliness. Loneliness around the holidays is a very real desperation for scores of people. That really bothers me. I wish I could gather them all up and make a big meal and have fellowship for hours, giving them a sense of belonging, because we all need to feel that. We all have a need to feel that we are a part of a bigger whole. We need to feel that we are loved, even if it's by only one person. One person can make the difference between a life of sorrow or one with hope. One person can share the love of God which transcends our human understanding, but with that love comes hope. If we come to understand that Jesus loves us more than anyone could ever possibly love us, then we realize that we are never alone, and don't have to ever feel lonely again.
This is the second great commandment. The first is to love God with all our might, mind and heart; and the second is to love our neighbor as ourselves. Jesus said all the law and prophets hang on those two commandments. Pretty intense, huh. So who is our neighbor? In my opinion, it's every person we come in contact with during our day. It's the cashier at WalMart who looked a bit frazzled; it's the Walgreens pharmacy drive-through girl who really didn't know what she was doing; and it's the homeless and lonely and those who may be a bit quirky who don't seem to fit in anywhere. Those are who God commands us to love. And in doing so, in obeying His Word, He always blesses us in return. The holidays become another opportunity to put ourselves in a position of receiving blessings from God. Wow. That's very cool.
So, I have all the ingredients to what I am making and bringing to Jason's house tomorrow, all piled up on my miniature counter. There is literally NOWHERE to cook. I am sitting and looking at it, as if it will jump up and begin to create itself. I really don't feel like baking or making deviled eggs. My assignment was to make a million deviled eggs, two desserts and drinks. And I just don't feel like it. I would rather go and take a nap, but it's so cold in here, I think I see my breath. I'm waiting to see how cold it can get in here before I am forced to turn my furnace on. Now that I am on a fixed budget, I am closely watching every penny. Well, not every penny -- but those that matter. You know what I mean.
There is church tonight, so I must take a nap, or my eyes get real heavy in the evening and since I sit on the front row, I certainly don't want to accidentally fall asleep. Micah did that once and actually started snoring, which woke him up. Him and his friends thought it was pretty funny, but I did not. I gave him the glare which said, "You better sit up and straighten out, or I'm gonna smack you into next week." He, of course, was never smacked into next week, but he did feel the brunt of many wooden spoons and my hand on his behind more times than I care to remember.
Anyway, I will eventually get this baking and cooking done and Leah, Parris and the kids and I will all go to Jason's house for Thanksgiving. We will have enough food to feed a small country - why, I do not know. Because it's Thanksgiving. And because my mother used to make us eat every morsel of food on our plates, because there were people starving in Russia, I still feel compelled to do this. We will talk and argue and watch football and fall asleep after eating all that food, and when we wake up, we'll be ready to eat again. The one day a year that it's been ruled okay to be gluttonous.
What bothers me is all those people who have no where to go on holidays. Either by choice or by their lot in life, they are alone. There are plenty of churches and food pantries that give away free meals and food for the holidays, but food can't replace loneliness. Loneliness around the holidays is a very real desperation for scores of people. That really bothers me. I wish I could gather them all up and make a big meal and have fellowship for hours, giving them a sense of belonging, because we all need to feel that. We all have a need to feel that we are a part of a bigger whole. We need to feel that we are loved, even if it's by only one person. One person can make the difference between a life of sorrow or one with hope. One person can share the love of God which transcends our human understanding, but with that love comes hope. If we come to understand that Jesus loves us more than anyone could ever possibly love us, then we realize that we are never alone, and don't have to ever feel lonely again.
This is the second great commandment. The first is to love God with all our might, mind and heart; and the second is to love our neighbor as ourselves. Jesus said all the law and prophets hang on those two commandments. Pretty intense, huh. So who is our neighbor? In my opinion, it's every person we come in contact with during our day. It's the cashier at WalMart who looked a bit frazzled; it's the Walgreens pharmacy drive-through girl who really didn't know what she was doing; and it's the homeless and lonely and those who may be a bit quirky who don't seem to fit in anywhere. Those are who God commands us to love. And in doing so, in obeying His Word, He always blesses us in return. The holidays become another opportunity to put ourselves in a position of receiving blessings from God. Wow. That's very cool.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Veteran's Day
We had the Veteran's Day service at church Sunday morning and it became very emotional for me. During the part where the different divisions of the service were acknowledged by music and the division emblem, I began crying. My father was an ex-marine and all I could do was weep as I thought of him. I really miss him, just to talk with and ask him his opinions. That will never happen again and it's very difficult to reconcile myself to this reality. It seems so surrealistic, and yet it is as realistic as life gets.
Grief is an overwhelming emotion and can come at the oddest moments. It comes before I fall asleep at night and I see my dad struggling to breathe when he was at hospice. It came Sunday morning as a surprise because I wasn't thinking of him at all until I remembered that he was also a veteran. It came last week when I was struggling with which Medicare supplement to buy and I wished I could talk to him about it. They say to grieve and then move on and I get that, I really do. I feel a bit stuck, though, and I know time will help the grieving process to end. I just need to give it more time. A famous person said, "Grief is the price of love; you cry because you love." So very true...
I doubt that anyone ever thanked my dad for his service in the Marines. At his funeral, we had a color guard and they presented my mom with a flag and played Taps. I hadn't cried like that in a long, long time. Jason has the flag and put it in a frame and I put a picture of my dad when he was a very young man, and some other items, in the frame. I don't know what he's going to do with it now, but it's very nice - my dad would have liked it. This is the picture I put in the frame, which would have been around the same time he was in the service:
Being patriotic is a relatively new concept for me. Growing up in the 60's and 70's, I was not patriotic at all. I hated war - I still do - and I never could understand why we would go into other countries to wipe out Communism or terrorists, like that was our responsibility and ours alone. I hated the government and believe all politicians are liars, and still do. I guess I was an anti-war, anti-government person who was never a part of any group, but just felt this way on my own. I don't know how I came to be this way, but since getting older, this has changed. I know now that each serviceperson is a hero and the government is a separate entity. Although I'm not crazy about our government, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Our freedom is not about our government - it is about men and women who fought for that freedom, with some giving their very lives as a result. I understand this now and I am very grateful for those people who have and are still serving our country.
Grief is an overwhelming emotion and can come at the oddest moments. It comes before I fall asleep at night and I see my dad struggling to breathe when he was at hospice. It came Sunday morning as a surprise because I wasn't thinking of him at all until I remembered that he was also a veteran. It came last week when I was struggling with which Medicare supplement to buy and I wished I could talk to him about it. They say to grieve and then move on and I get that, I really do. I feel a bit stuck, though, and I know time will help the grieving process to end. I just need to give it more time. A famous person said, "Grief is the price of love; you cry because you love." So very true...
I doubt that anyone ever thanked my dad for his service in the Marines. At his funeral, we had a color guard and they presented my mom with a flag and played Taps. I hadn't cried like that in a long, long time. Jason has the flag and put it in a frame and I put a picture of my dad when he was a very young man, and some other items, in the frame. I don't know what he's going to do with it now, but it's very nice - my dad would have liked it. This is the picture I put in the frame, which would have been around the same time he was in the service:
Being patriotic is a relatively new concept for me. Growing up in the 60's and 70's, I was not patriotic at all. I hated war - I still do - and I never could understand why we would go into other countries to wipe out Communism or terrorists, like that was our responsibility and ours alone. I hated the government and believe all politicians are liars, and still do. I guess I was an anti-war, anti-government person who was never a part of any group, but just felt this way on my own. I don't know how I came to be this way, but since getting older, this has changed. I know now that each serviceperson is a hero and the government is a separate entity. Although I'm not crazy about our government, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Our freedom is not about our government - it is about men and women who fought for that freedom, with some giving their very lives as a result. I understand this now and I am very grateful for those people who have and are still serving our country.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
My Little Apartment
I finally got my apartment all set up and find myself living in an extremely small studio apartment. I've lived in these types of apartments before, but never this small. It's like a hotel room, only a little bigger. When you walk in, the bathroom is on the right and a closet is on the left. Walk a little further and the stove, sink and puny counter space is on the right; the refrigerator is on the left, sitting on a piece of linoleum cut out just for it, in the middle of carpeting. There is no dishwasher and the two sinks are small. I bought a small dish drainer and cloth to put on the counter next to the sink. It just fits. There is a microwave over the miniature stove. I say miniature because it isn't a standard size; it's bigger than an Easy Bake Oven, but not by much. The rest of the counter space holds the toaster, a container for utensils, a can opener and a coffee maker. That's it. I do have a nice-sized pantry to fit all the non-perishable food. There are a lot of cupboards, but most of them are too high for me to reach. Next to the pantry, I put a narrow folding table because my dining table won't fit there. The TV sits on one corner and I plan to put my painting stuff on the other end. Meanwhile, my painting stuff is under the table in a large, plastic tub. One of my kitchen chairs sits against the table. Next to that is a closet that has the furnace in it and I shoved some suitcases in there for storage. On the other side of this rectangle, sits my bed. Next to my bed is a small dresser and next to the dresser is an easy chair. Next to the easy chair is the refrigerator. Again. Down the little hallway on this side is a metal shelf I bought and next to that is a closet that holds a stack washer and dryer. And then again, next to that is the closet, another kitchen chair and then the door. The deck is next to my bed and it's very nice. I can probably fit a small table and a couple of chairs on it in the spring. I don't know how many square feet this is, but it reminds me of those tiny houses people are resorting to. So actually, I'm quite in vogue living here!
One of the very nice things about this apartment is that there is an indoor pool, which I can't wait to partake of. Since before I moved in, it has been "closed for repairs," but I'm hoping it will open up soon. There is also a whirlpool that will feel wonderful after a swim. That is the main reason I moved here. I lived in this building several years ago, but I lived in a one-bedroom apartment that was very roomy, and I am on the waiting list to move into one as soon as it becomes available. It will be more in rent, but I really need more room. When your kitchen, bedroom and living room are all one small room, it becomes very tiny indeed and I feel a sudden urge to break out into a long distance run. Except I can't run, or even walk for that matter, so it is very disconcerting at times. In any case, this is my home for now and I am grateful for it.
I did babysit for Jade and Donovan one day in my apartment, which was a big mistake. I have no toys here and even if I did, there is no place for them to play. I put cartoons on, thinking they would like that, but instead they were bored and became restless quite quickly. I couldn't count how many times Jade got down off the bed then back on then down again and back on - it was making me dizzy. The cartoons bored them and I couldn't find ones they would like so I tried to get them to take a nap because I was tired, and that never happened either. Jade gets this look in her eyes when you tell her not to do something, she smiles and watches you while she does that one thing you told her not to do. I think she enjoys getting over on me, which she does all the time and has already figured out that grandma is a wimp when it comes to her grandchildren, so why not run over her like a truck. Donovan delights to tell me all the things that Jade is doing wrong and Jade will let out a blood-curdling scream if Donovan takes something away from her, so needless to say, I was pulling my already thinning hair out by the end of the afternoon and Jason wasn't getting off til 10:00. I was, thankfully, relieved of my duties by someone else who I thanked profusely when she came to pick them up around 5.
I am babysitting tomorrow, but it will be at Jason's house and will be much easier. There they have toys and room to run and play. Jade uses my cane as her microphone and sings songs to me and wants me to sing as well. We will be doing a lot of singing tomorrow. I think it will be fun for both of us. That is, until Donovan gets home from school. I forgot what it was like having to split your attention. It makes one feel like a schizophrenic if you have more than one kid. And then when they're both demanding your attention at the same time, my ADD kicks in and I yell, "Wait a minute, wait a minute! One at a time!" That's when they look at me like I'm from Mars and become quiet. I can deal with quiet. It's my friend. Thank God for movies and cartoons. I can watch Dora the Explorer all day with them if I have to. I might even learn some Spanish in the process.
One of the very nice things about this apartment is that there is an indoor pool, which I can't wait to partake of. Since before I moved in, it has been "closed for repairs," but I'm hoping it will open up soon. There is also a whirlpool that will feel wonderful after a swim. That is the main reason I moved here. I lived in this building several years ago, but I lived in a one-bedroom apartment that was very roomy, and I am on the waiting list to move into one as soon as it becomes available. It will be more in rent, but I really need more room. When your kitchen, bedroom and living room are all one small room, it becomes very tiny indeed and I feel a sudden urge to break out into a long distance run. Except I can't run, or even walk for that matter, so it is very disconcerting at times. In any case, this is my home for now and I am grateful for it.
I did babysit for Jade and Donovan one day in my apartment, which was a big mistake. I have no toys here and even if I did, there is no place for them to play. I put cartoons on, thinking they would like that, but instead they were bored and became restless quite quickly. I couldn't count how many times Jade got down off the bed then back on then down again and back on - it was making me dizzy. The cartoons bored them and I couldn't find ones they would like so I tried to get them to take a nap because I was tired, and that never happened either. Jade gets this look in her eyes when you tell her not to do something, she smiles and watches you while she does that one thing you told her not to do. I think she enjoys getting over on me, which she does all the time and has already figured out that grandma is a wimp when it comes to her grandchildren, so why not run over her like a truck. Donovan delights to tell me all the things that Jade is doing wrong and Jade will let out a blood-curdling scream if Donovan takes something away from her, so needless to say, I was pulling my already thinning hair out by the end of the afternoon and Jason wasn't getting off til 10:00. I was, thankfully, relieved of my duties by someone else who I thanked profusely when she came to pick them up around 5.
I am babysitting tomorrow, but it will be at Jason's house and will be much easier. There they have toys and room to run and play. Jade uses my cane as her microphone and sings songs to me and wants me to sing as well. We will be doing a lot of singing tomorrow. I think it will be fun for both of us. That is, until Donovan gets home from school. I forgot what it was like having to split your attention. It makes one feel like a schizophrenic if you have more than one kid. And then when they're both demanding your attention at the same time, my ADD kicks in and I yell, "Wait a minute, wait a minute! One at a time!" That's when they look at me like I'm from Mars and become quiet. I can deal with quiet. It's my friend. Thank God for movies and cartoons. I can watch Dora the Explorer all day with them if I have to. I might even learn some Spanish in the process.
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