Long, Lost Ones

Sometimes, I like to watch the TLC Channel because there are a few shows I find interesting. One of them is called, "Long Lost Family." This is a reality show that features two families - one is a parent looking for a child they gave up for adoption several years ago, and the other is an adult who was given up for adoption, looking for his/her birth parent. It's an incredibly emotional program and I end up weeping uncontrollably every single time I watch it.  I really can't imagine giving up a child for adoption and the incredible agony it must cause. But seeing the joy and relief of these families reunited for the first time in many, many years, is a beautiful thing. 

I've thought about why this affects me so strongly, and I realized that I too, have long, lost children, however, I will never get to be reunited with them, in this life, anyway. Ashamedly, I had two abortions when I was a young woman. I was never taught that there was anything wrong with it, although innately, I knew that there was and I regretted both of them before I ever found out the moral implications.

When I had the first one, I was 19 years old, in 1975 - a young, naive girl who thought the world of the man she loved, but who never had the capacity to love me back. I wanted to keep the baby, but it soon became apparent that the father didn't want anything to do with the situation. Back then, abortion had just become legal, as it was around the time of Roe vs. Wade. The cost was $300 and since I didn't have the money, I asked a great uncle to borrow it and he lent it to me, knowing I wasn't telling him the truth why I needed it. I felt bad lying to him, but I was too embarrassed to be honest, so I told him something was wrong with my car and I needed it fixed. I had previously asked friends and relatives who I knew had the money to lend me, but for whatever reason, wouldn't. My uncle was very poor - he lived in a small apartment in Chicago and was a simple man, owning very little - but he's the one who, without question, gave me all the money he had, to help. That taught me so much about one's character, that I will never forget. It's not money that will destroy you, it's the love of money that will. I managed to pay him back every cent before he died, although I always felt guilty I wasn't honest with him about it.

To describe the abortion for those who have never experienced it, it was like a vacuum cleaner sucking out the insides of my body. I watched as my tummy involuntarily moved up and down and it was not only very uncomfortable, it was painful as well. Afterward, I was moved into a "recovery room" and I remember a young woman lying next to me who was recounting all the abortions she had had, which were many. She was very casual about it and it didn't bother her in the least bit, or so it seemed. It was all I could do to not cry until she left, and then I turned over and wept, although I wasn't sure what I was weeping about. I was a feminist at that age and I believed that a woman had a right to do whatever she wanted with her own body. I tried to justify it in my mind after it was explained to me by the staff that this was not a child - it was simply a fetus - and it had no real, living parts. It wasn't until many years later that I learned this was simply untrue.

The second abortion I had was in 1979, before I got pregnant with Leah. I had just moved to Madison, WI and was living in a cheap motel because I had no income. I was living off the money I made from working in Florida and hoping to get on welfare, but that wouldn't come through until months later. Even though my son's father moved me up to Madison from Florida, promising to marry and take care of me, that never happened, so once again I was left struggling on my own. I became very sick with a lung infection and the doctor had to put me on strong medication to get my breathing under control. The steroids and other drugs I took, would have caused the baby I was pregnant with, birth defects at the very least. I felt I had no other choice but to terminate the pregnancy because of that, even though I knew what waited for me ahead. And so, a good friend of mine took me to the clinic and stayed with me the entire time I was there. This one was as difficult as the first one and even though I felt as if the abortion was justified, I couldn't get past the guilt I felt, but again, not knowing exactly why. So not only was I extremely ill with the lung infection, I now had to recover from the abortion and the heavy hemorrhaging it produces, all the while taking care of a 3 year old. 

Many years later, when I first came into the church, one service we watched a filmstrip on abortion and they showed actual fetuses in buckets that were dumped in the garbage after the procedures. Seeing that shocked me and learning that this was considered sin, I had to leave the sanctuary and ended up in the bathroom with dry heaves over the sink. The woman who became my "mother in the Lord" brought me to a quiet room trying to calm me down and shared Psalms 51 with me. The whole chapter is David repenting for the sins he committed against God and how God mercifully forgave him. It took her a long time to convince me that God also forgave me, but I finally came to believe it and was thankful that He did. He may have forgiven me, but it took many years to forgive myself, and to this day, I still have a difficult time listening and watching anything regarding abortion. One of the problems with sin, is that when we truly repent, God does forgive us - but many times, the repercussions of those sins, may stay with us for a very long time or perhaps even forever. 

I've often wondered if I will be able to recognize these children in heaven. I really can't find any reference to it in the Bible, but I've asked Micah about it and he said that I probably will but may not recognize them as the babies they were. In any case, there won't be any sorrow or grief there, only joy - so if I do recognize who they are, I won't feel any guilt either. 

How wonderful is the mercy and grace of God! He loves us more than we can possibly comprehend. So now, the very least I can offer in return, is my unwavering love, trust and obedience to Him....